Have you ever been in a situation when you found yourself explaining things you deep down felt shouldn’t need to be explained? I definitely have: from defending career and lifestyle choices to providing justifications for financial or personal decisions. Looking back, I could add this to the list of things I really shouldn’t have wasted my time on.
Of course, we are social creatures. We need love, support, often validation and feedback. But it matters from whom you crave that feedback from or whom you’re trying to please. That circle should be very, very small, and even when we have an incredibly strong and loving support system, not all decisions have to be explained.
I think it’s also important to understand our own motivations behind this phenomenon. Do you try to explain your choices because you aren’t that sure of them and would like to get a feedback, dissolve that insecurity, or validate your decisions? Or do you just feel pressured by outside forces to defend yourself even though you are comfortable with your choices?
If it’s the first, you gotta have that conversation with yourself or some trusted advisors – that’s perfectly fine. I do have a couple of people around me whose opinion I greatly value and do take into consideration. But at the same time, the ultimate decision will always be mine.
If it’s the second – just read this list. I think one of the most important conditions of living an intentional life is to be able to make and be comfortable with our own choices. To gain a good understanding of our values, priorities, and goals, and to be intentional enough to stick with them.
No matter how much we all crave understanding and support, some things do not require outside approval.
Things you don’t have to explain to anyone
1 // Your dreams
There is no such thing as a stupid dream. Even if it’s unconventional, ambitious, unique, or, just the opposite, simple and traditional. It’s your dream and your life. If there’s one thing that keeps me going, that makes me be brutally honest and unapologetically straightforward about my dreams and future is the fear of wasting a lifetime not trying to achieve them. I really, really don’t ever want to be in a position when I feel regret about not having tried.
It may be a cliché, but unless you believe in reincarnation and multiple lives, we get only one chance. And while this can seem fairly depressing, if you think about it, it should actually be liberating. Absolutely no need to justify our dreams or delaying them because of what others may think.
2 // Your values
I think living with no values or nothing to believe in, whether it’s moral, political, ethical, or even spiritual is a sad and shallow way to live. There must be a guiding principle, a set of values, some issues you’re passionate about, but what they are is a personal decision. Define those values to yourself, but once you made up your mind, don’t apologize for them.
3 // Your style
My style is quite minimal and that’s how I like it. Even when I get the obligatory “do you really need another black top in your wardrobe? or “ you’d look so lovely in red, why don’t you try it” comments, I just shrug my shoulder and continue to be stubbornly dedicated to my neutral color palette and clean lines. That’s just my style and I don’t give a shit whether it’s trendy or whether others like it.
I don’t wear extravagant or head-turning items, bold patterns, or vibrant colors, so the above comments are as far as criticisms usually go, but whenever I see someone with a unique style I always applaud them, because I realize they must get way more and harsher comments. People are judgmental and are often thrown off-balance by something non-traditional. Don’t let this deter you from using fashion and style as a true manifestation of your personality and aesthetic.
4 // How you spend your money
People love getting nosey and often judgmental about the money situation of others – friends, neighbors, coworkers, even complete strangers. It can range from simple, natural curiosity to good old money shaming. I really do not need totally unsolicited advice on how I should or should not spend the money I actually earned; hence I refuse to explain my money decisions.
5 // Your living situation
I lived at home during university. I moved in with my now-fiancé after 7 years of dating. I had my reasons and for the first 100 or so questions, I tried to explain my decisions. After a point, I didn’t bother anymore. It worked for my relationship, my family, and me. Why would I care about anything or anyone else? Living together, living apart, living in a trendy building, because you love it, living in a shabbier flat because you wanna save money, living with friends or your cat – you don’t owe an explanation to anyone.
6 // Your career decisions
I struggled a lot with this one. I had a feeling from quite a young age (professionally) of what I wanted to do. Not exactly what, but more like how. Deep down I knew I’d never go into a traditional, career-ladder type of field, but for a long time, I couldn’t articulate it that well. And I always felt I had to explain this and defend myself. But as years passed and my life experience grew, I became much more convinced of what the right path for me would be – the pieces of the puzzle finally fell into place. I don’t feel like I have to explain my chosen career path anymore, because I’m totally comfortable with my decisions and that’s all that matters. You can prioritize positions, money, personal life factors, freedom, responsibility, fame, whatever – just walk your own path, not someone else’s.
7 // When and if you want to get married or have babies
Whatever I said about people being obsessed with others’ money situations is equally, if not more, true for personal life choices, especially when it comes to marriage and babies. Let’s be honest, the majority of society is still quite conformist and traditional when it comes to the expected sequence of personal life events:
“First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes baby in the baby carriage”.
Anyone who chooses a different path or is seen as being behind schedule can surely expect friendly or not-so-friendly questions (inquisitions) from friends, family, far-away relatives, co-workers, or sometimes random strangers. Even people who tout themselves as fairly non-judgmental and liberal often display judgmental behavior and don a skeptical face.
I know sometimes it’s difficult, but you don’t have to explain your life choices. If you choose to get married, that’s your decision. If you choose to not get married, that’s yours too. If you want to have 6 children, good for you. If you want none, that’s your choice as well. Resist the temptation of providing explanations for deeply personal choices. And please, resist the temptation to ask others about their own choices!
8 // Forgiving or moving on
Both of these are perfectly legitimate choices when it comes to the fate of personal relationships. We’ve all been in a situation when we were faced with one choice or the other. We’ve all been treated unfairly or had an experience when someone hurt us. Sometimes we are able to forgive. Sometimes the only choice left is to move on and forget. But this is exactly the type of deeply personal choice that no one should interfere with. You are the only one who knows how deep that wound is or whether there’s a way back.
9 // What makes you happy
As long as you remain on morally and legally acceptable territory, what makes you happy is no one else’s business.
Do you have anything to add to this list?
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