Years ago, when I was at university, I thought that our late twenties, early thirties will be the time when the real major adulting and relationship changes will happen. Everyone will start getting married, having babies, and will enter the next decade happily starting a family.
I was only half right.
Yes, many of us are at that life stage. But what I didn’t think was that this would not only be the years of happy beginnings, but also sad endings.
Lately, I’ve heard a lot of news of friends or acquaintances going through divorces and bad breakups. Seen friendships tossed aside, family ties loosened, and partnerships going up in flames. Read an increasing number of articles and studies on how social ties are weakening and how people are becoming more isolated than ever.
Before going any further, let me just say that there are perfectly legitimate reasons for getting out of relationships, be it romantic, friendly, or business.
In fact, nothing can justify being stuck in a relationship that’s clearly not working anymore or that makes the people (or even one of them) in it miserable or hurt. Not even common history, children, or finances. Sadly, there ARE toxic relationships and we need to learn how to spot and leave them.
But at the same time, I cannot shake the feeling that we’re throwing away relationships too fast, at the first sign of discord, without ever really working on and for them.
Disposable relationships?
We seem to live in a throwaway culture, and relationships are no exceptions. We toss them away as we toss away clothes, gadgets, food, single use cups, junk, and clutter. Anything is easily disposable and replaceable. Swipe left and the next one is there.
I’m part of a few Facebook groups and relationship questions come up all the time. 9 out of 10 times, the quick answer to a relationship issue someone’s having is: Get out. Leave him. He doesn’t deserve you. You did nothing wrong. Find someone else.
But, is it really the only option all the time? Forget and move on to the next one, with the false hope and illusion that there won’t be any problems there? Without analyzing what went wrong and is there anything we can do to resolve that?
I look at the divorce rates and feel that something is really not working, and it’s not just the relationships themselves. It’s how people choose partners and how long they are willing to try to make a relationship work.
There’s a huge difference between walking away from a relationship, because it’s not working or throwing in the towel when there are challenges or rocky phases.
Socialized by Disney movies, rom-com films, and 72-day long marriages
In a way, we know a lot more about others’ relationships than ever before. Sometimes it seems we are peeking into others’ lives 24/7. Some of them offer this willingly – in Facebook posts, YouTube videos, Instagram pictures, tweets, or even private conversations. Some of them are pushed into the limelight by our hunger for more and more details of others’ private lives, whether it is celebrities or regular people.
We grow up on romantic Disney movies, where the princess is always rescued by the prince. We watch soppy romantic comedies that tells us people fall in love at first sight and after a couple of difficulties, waltz into a happily ever after. We see teens commenting “goals” under the carefully shot photo of two strangers. And we’re in a constant news cycle of celebrities getting together, getting engaged, getting pregnant, getting divorced (or at least rumors of it).
I can’t help but wonder whether we are forgetting what a relationship is really like. That it’s not all and always sunsets and romantic dinners, that what you see on the Internet is only half the story, and that it is possible for a relationship to last more than 5 years.
Falling in love is easy. Keeping the relationship is a lot more work, but it’s so much more rewarding as well.
I see, hear, and read a lot of romantic falling in love stories. We also see a lot of sad or even nasty endings to seemingly fairytale relationships. What I don’t see very often is stories on how to make a relationship work, how to get over issues, how to maintain that love and connection.
I think one reason for that is people don’t like to talk about relationship issues, because they don’t like to be judged. And admitting that there are challenges can quickly dissolve the nice pink picture they have been carefully painting for so long.
But this is so dumb. No relationship is perfect and no one needs to maintain a fake façade. I’m not saying to swamp the Internet with all relationship details, but being honest with ourselves, our partners, and even with a few close advisors is really beneficial.
I know it’s not easy. And sometimes just quitting seems to be the easy way out. But easy is not always good, and yet so many people choose it. And that’s how relationships become disposable, marriages repeatable, connections replaceable. It’s just too easy to walk away.
Of course, walking away is sometimes necessary. But it’s also essential to learn when to walk away and when it’s time to fight for something important and commit, even if it’s more difficult.
Maintaining relationships in a throwaway culture
My fiancé and I have been together for 10 years now. I know we’re still far away from the golden anniversary, but I feel it’s still enough time to share some things I learned about relationships during this decade.
It’s OK to have issues and problems //
Everyone has them; the difference is how people handle them. It’s also not an indicator of how strong your love is.
Talk, talk, and talk some more //
This is the most important part, and based on my limited life experiences, this is the part that people really mess up. No, sweeping problems under the rug is NEVER a good solution. In fact, not talking about issues is the surest way to doom a relationship.
Be honest with yourself and your partner //
Discuss what you want and how you feel. Discuss what you want out of life. Discuss family, priorities, jobs, money, living situations, ambitions, children, dynamics, everything that will be the foundation of a long-term relationship.
Get over your pride and admit if you’re doing something wrong //
Yes, saying sorry is essential. If you fight, do not only focus on your own grievances or what’s wrong with your partner. Look into yourself and ask whether you have made mistakes as well.
Never take the other for granted //
After not talking honestly, I think this is the second most common reason for breakups. People get comfortable, jobs and other issues go at the top of the priority list, and slowly lovers and one-time confidants become just flat mates. Take the time to work on that relationship, spend time together, make small gestures, and share your hopes, problems, and joys.
Make the effort //
Maintaining relationships, be it romantic, family, or friendly, take time and effort. It’s so crazy that people will do anything and everything to keep a job or advance on the career ladder, and do not even put half the effort into keeping important relationships. Which one is more important at the end of the day? So don’t postpone that phone call, do not be afraid to say I’m sorry or I love you, be there for people, and be there during bad times well.
I think it’s great that more and more of us are saying no to the disposable culture and make conscious shopping and lifestyle choices.
Let’s do the same for our relationships as well.
