I’ve come across a quote a couple of weeks ago that resonated with me a lot.
It resonated because it was something I’ve had an issue with for a long time. You know when you’re talking to someone, but have a weird, unsettling feeling that it’s not really a two-way conversation, you don’t really have their full attention –they are just semi-politely waiting for you to stop talking so they can have their go.
And I get it – most people love talking about themselves. Actually, the best networking tip ever is probably to just ask questions about the other person, it will get the conversation going. But sometimes I just cannot shake this feeling that, well, we just talk too much. Especially nowadays, when we don’t only get the (full or partial) attention of people we meet in real life, but we all can have an online platform as well to reach thousands of others in an instant.
But amplified with the tiny megaphone the online world can offer, in the pursuit of spreading our truth across the world, sharing our stories, views, ideas, and opinions, did we somehow lose the skill of listening?
Sure, it’s important to have a unique, strong voice, but equally important to know when it’s time to shut up and listen.
Hearing is usually an automatic, physical process. Listening requires a conscious effort and focus. With listening comes understanding, knowledge, empathy, new perspectives, deeper connections, and better social skills.
We should definitely practice it more.
Listen more
To your friends and family
Not only on the surface. Not to quickly get through their problems so you can talk about your own. Not in a multitasking mode. Not while scrolling through your Instagram feed. Not to forget what they said in 10 minutes.
These words seem harsh. Most of us do make an effort to listen to our loved ones. But if we’re really honest, is that always the best effort we can make?
Do we really hear and listen to everything they say? The complicated work issues, the never-ending love problems, the 30-40 years old family stories? And do we always go one step further and actually get what they are saying or trying to say?
Do we understand the deeper meanings behind the said or unsaid words?
To your audience and customers
When there’s a significant misalignment between what you’re talking about and what your audience/customers want to hear, it can often mean the death for your business. It’s still hard to believe how many businesses and content creators think that talking is all that matters.
It’s not.
As Richard Branson said: “You can never have enough feedback and you can never stop learning.”
You cannot build something valuable in an airtight bubble. Or you can, but get ready for great surprises when you first step out of the bubble and meet real people. You gotta know what they want, what they think, what value means for them. And you can only know that by listening.
Surveys, social listening (following and analyzing discussion on certain topics, issues, brands to gain key insights into your audience’s interests and feedbacks and then leveraging them successfully in your strategy), interaction on social media or on your platforms, addressing comments, feedback, and criticism, analyzing data on your audience and traffic, and actually talking to customers in person are all valuable means to become a better listener and more attentive business/blogger/entrepreneur.
To your employees
We glorify visionary leaders like Steve Jobs and Elon Musk and make the mistake of thinking that good leadership is only about telling others what to do. But more often great leadership is about listening, understanding, and then connecting, inspiring, and motivating.
I once read an article about a global survey that researched what employees valued the most in their work environments. Interestingly, at least according to that survey, money wasn’t in the No. 1 spot – being valued and appreciated was. Financial recognition is one way to achieve this, but listening to and thus better understanding the problems and issues of employees as well as creating an environment where they are encouraged to offer their opinion are just as important.
To the people you meet at business events
I really dislike networking events. I also usually suck at them. I cannot identify with the mad race of throwing out as many business cards as we can or rushing through the obligatory courteous introductory exchanges to get to the “how can I use this person to my advantage” part as fast as possible. I’m cynical, yes, but I’ve seen this happening too much, unfortunately.
But what if we’d stopped looking at these events as a way to grow our contact lists and started viewing them as chances to meet cool, new people? Wouldn’t that be so much more fun? Not to mention practical in the long run. In my experience, the people who are actually good at networking and are real connectors are the ones who have a natural interest in people and have mastered the art of listening. They are honestly curious about others, listen intently to what they say, and this is how they are able to make connections and then use those connections for good purposes.
To people with different political views
We live in volatile political times and sometimes it seems the divides are so deep and fixed that we will never be able to put a bridge across them. Emotions run high, attacks are becoming more and more personal and vile, and a healthy political debate is beginning to look more like a wish than a reality. And it’s so hard not to lose the belief in the need for talking and listening. I, for sure, have a difficult time in balancing those.
And there can be boundaries. I think there are situations when debates are not an option – not everyone will agree with this, but even with my quite liberal views on freedom of speech and healthy political debates, I find that I’m simply unable to listen to and engage in a normal discussion with very extremist views. But I also realize deep down that totally shutting ourselves away from listening to and trying to understand other people’s political views is not an option either. We’ll never understand what motivates them and a lack of understanding will make any kind of progress or change impossible.
To your critics
It’s easy to dismiss criticism and write it down as jealousy, insecurity, lack of information, or sinister intentions. It’s easy to defend our actions and views, to provide excuses and justification. But it takes courage and an ability to accept our shortcomings to actually listen to and occasionally accept criticism.
Of course, it matters a great deal where that criticism comes from. Some comments are really not worth listening to. But we still have to at least assess whether there’s at least an ounce (or more) truth to them. If you know the advice or criticism comes from a good place, if it’s constructive and not hurtful, if it can help you improve – do not reject it immediately, take the effort to listen to it.
To random strangers
Last December, we spent a couple of days in London. It was a great trip apart from the ending. Our flight was canceled amidst incredibly chaotic circumstances. Because there was no available flight for 4 or 5 more days and we wanted to get home quickly, we made a decision of taking the TGV to Paris and then take the bus across Europe to get home faster. It was an adventure for sure, but what made it even more special was the connections we made on that trip. We met two fellow Wizzair victims and set out on the journey together. It was so interesting how quickly normal social interaction boundaries broke down in such special circumstances. I got to know more details about their lives in a day than I know about some people I’ve known for years. Our new friends were slightly older with totally different and incredibly interesting life stories that would have remained absolutely unknown to us otherwise.
We’ve been conditioned from an early age that talking to strangers is a big no. It can be dangerous, risky; it’s better to stay away. And while it’s a perfectly good advice for a child, I think in our adult life, we could all benefit from becoming a little more open to making connections with strangers. Asking questions, learning about their life, breaking out of the comfort zone – you never know where that can lead.
